So, running….not so much

I started this blog last year in the hopes that it would encourage me to be more active. You know, hold myself accountable for my own goals, allow others to spur me to action, maybe shame me for my inaction, that sort of thing. In reality, the one time someone in my real life asked me how the running was going, I found myself horribly flustered. Turns out, I didn’t think anyone was really reading it.

It was a truly hollow exercise. That doesn’t make it meaningless or pointless. I’ve always liked journaling and, for the short time I actually did it, I found it fun. It might even have prompted me to exercise on a day or two that I wouldn’t have otherwise. But mostly, in terms of getting me active, it was a failure.

I last posted in April and I can’t claim much got missed once I stopped updating this darned thing. I gave up yoga. (Though you know I bought that new Manduka mat when I saw it on sale.) I dropped my gym membership and I’m going to Tae Kwon Do so rarely that the instructor emailed me to see if we’re coming back.

But I’m afraid there might be more going on here than me just being lazy. (Though I’ve called myself that hundreds of times.) I just don’t seem to have any energy! Earlier in the year I had blood work done and the doctor upped my dose of thyroid hormone; the thyroid being the powerhouse of the body and all. It might be time to look at that again.

And I’m going to admit something here that I’ve not said to anyone in real life. I just have to say it somewhere. You know? I have a lump under my left arm. I don’t know. I’ve not been to the doctor about it yet. My appointment is tomorrow. But you what I’m thinking. Of course you do, the big C.

I’m scared. Like quietly shaking in my books scared. But my husband’s mother had two bouts of breast cancer and that was hard on him. So, though it would piss the shit out of him to know I’m hiding it, I’m not about to put him through another scare until I can present it in the context of, “Yeeeeah, so I had a lump but it turned out to be nothing,” or it’s confirmed and I have to start ordering our life around it.

So, this blog is on hiatus until I know what I want to do with it. Hopefully it doesn’t turn into Chemo Chronicle.

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I think this will be my goal this summer.

I’m not actually ashamed of my body. I mean, I’d love to tone it up, get fitter, be healthier. But my body gave me two children and has carried me for almost 40 years with relatively few troubles. I love it, honestly.

I can say that and mean it, but that doesn’t mean I’m immune to a lifetime of being subtly trained to keep it hidden if it doesn’t look a particular way. So, while I keep trying to get myself in shape, I think I’ll also work my way toward being comfortable enough to do this. I look a lot like many of the women in this video and I think they are sexy as hell. So, why shouldn’t I extend the same to myself?

Week 4 check-in

You might notice that I skipped week 3. That’s because we’re just going to pretend it didn’t happen. I mentioned in my last post that the flu, or some virus, had infiltrated our house. Well, last week it hit us all.

I actually got off a lot easier than the rest of my family. I slept 36 straight hours, and I mean really slept, not lounged around in bed feeling bad and dozing, IScreen Shot 2017-03-30 at 11.50.25 AM slept. Sure, I got up and peed a couple times, shouted at my daughter to get up for school when the alarm went off, and I think I even let the dog out once. But I just fell unconscious again immediately after.  I seriously went to bed Tuesday night and got up Thursday morning, all disoriented to have lost a day but feeling ok otherwise. The rest of the family was sick for a full week. So, no complaints. It was better than it could have been and I did managed to burn just over 1600 calories from my bed; which is interesting.

Anyhow, my point is that last week was a total bust on anything that wasn’t sick related. If I wasn’t sick myself I was taking care of my daughter and husband, who were. So, week 3 didn’t exist for me and we’ll just move right along to week four.

I feel comfortable with my week. It wasn’t a high activity week, but I did tae kwon do on Monday, cleaned house on Tuesday (what, that totally counts), went to yoga on Wednesday, and rode the stationary recumbent bike on Thursday. I took Friday and Saturday off and if I can pull it together, I’ll go to Hatha yoga today. I’ve got 45 minutes to get out the door.

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So, not a week where I burned millions of calories, but I did something active most days.

I went to a get together with some girlfriends on Friday night, one of which is a school teacher. We compared our weekly step count. There I was at about 19,000 and feeling pleased with myself. Then she flashed me her 79,000 and I was brought right back to reality. So, I know I’m still less active than a lot of people. But I feel like I accomplished what I’m aiming for at the moment, which is deciding to do something instead of nothing each day.

OK, I’m off to shower and change, so I can rush out the door to go relax at the gym.