I started this blog last year in the hopes that it would encourage me to be more active. You know, hold myself accountable for my own goals, allow others to spur me to action, maybe shame me for my inaction, that sort of thing. In reality, the one time someone in my real life asked me how the running was going, I found myself horribly flustered. Turns out, I didn’t think anyone was really reading it.
It was a truly hollow exercise. That doesn’t make it meaningless or pointless. I’ve always liked journaling and, for the short time I actually did it, I found it fun. It might even have prompted me to exercise on a day or two that I wouldn’t have otherwise. But mostly, in terms of getting me active, it was a failure.
I last posted in April and I can’t claim much got missed once I stopped updating this darned thing. I gave up yoga. (Though you know I bought that new Manduka mat when I saw it on sale.) I dropped my gym membership and I’m going to Tae Kwon Do so rarely that the instructor emailed me to see if we’re coming back.
But I’m afraid there might be more going on here than me just being lazy. (Though I’ve called myself that hundreds of times.) I just don’t seem to have any energy! Earlier in the year I had blood work done and the doctor upped my dose of thyroid hormone; the thyroid being the powerhouse of the body and all. It might be time to look at that again.
And I’m going to admit something here that I’ve not said to anyone in real life. I just have to say it somewhere. You know? I have a lump under my left arm. I don’t know. I’ve not been to the doctor about it yet. My appointment is tomorrow. But you what I’m thinking. Of course you do, the big C.
I’m scared. Like quietly shaking in my books scared. But my husband’s mother had two bouts of breast cancer and that was hard on him. So, though it would piss the shit out of him to know I’m hiding it, I’m not about to put him through another scare until I can present it in the context of, “Yeeeeah, so I had a lump but it turned out to be nothing,” or it’s confirmed and I have to start ordering our life around it.
So, this blog is on hiatus until I know what I want to do with it. Hopefully it doesn’t turn into Chemo Chronicle.